July 1, 2010

Could you read my fortune in the bottom of this coffee cup, tell me how to tell when I've had enough?

A lot can happen in a day, let alone a year.

My mom used to tell me that all the time, when I'd be worried about god-knows-what and planning for the certain doom that I was convinced would be happening.

But now, I think I'm finally coming to fully understand what exactly she meant.

A month ago, I was in a (what I thought was) great relationship with a man I was in love with, I had my own place with a girl who I was pretty good friends with, and my family was stable-for the first time in a very long time, I had everything I could have wanted. I was indescribably happy.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and absolutely broke my heart. My dad lost his job. My grandmother was hospitalized. And on top of all that, my health took a turn for the worst and I lost my hearing in one ear.

But I tried to have faith, and walk through all the fear. I through myself into work. I saw my friends pretty much every night. I reminded myself constantly that this was all temporary, and that God had a plan for everything, I just had to wait it out and He'll show me, when I'm ready.

But it's so freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes, I'm completely content and serene. But sometimes...I'm lonely, I'm anxious, I'm fearful.

And now, due to circumstances out of my control (kind of), I'm leaving my apartment and probably, unfortunately, losing my friend. All day I've been going back and forth between being pissed and being really upset.

I'm trying to see this as a fresh start-Thank god my parents live close and I can move back with them for a little while, get everything back on track. I just can't help but feeling like God put this amazing life in front of me and, whoops!, all of a sudden, pulled the rug out from under me. And the rational side of me knows that He gave me an amazing life, regardless of all of those things and it will only continue to get better and He will only continue to bless me if I continue on His path. I know these things, I believe them with all of my being and I have faith and I trust that what is waiting for me on the other side will be so much more amazing than anything I could imagine for myself. And I know that if I was that happy before, that when His plan comes together, it will be mind blowing.

But I don't want to wait. I want to be happy now. I want to be in love now. I want my dad to have a job and my grandma to be better and to have my own place and my health to be back on track now. I don't want to wait. It's this lovely little inner struggle-I think I'm ready for all these things, but really on He knows when I am and when He decides I am, he'll put all those blessings back in my life. He knows whats best for me-I don't. I've proven that left to my own devices, things don't usually end well-for me or anyone involved.

"We have to stop playing God. It didn't work" I've read that over and over and over again but I still like to toy with the idea that I'm in charge. I guess I just like to beat my head against the wall a few times before I realize it hurts.

And I've been beating myself up over all of this, as if every single problem is directly my fault...which is insane! I mean, I'm upset at myself...for being upset! What kind of sense does that make? I heard it described perfectly tonight- If your child fell down and hurt himself, would you scream at him? Belittle him? Make fun of him or yell? No, you would pick him up, hold him and comfort him. So why don't I do that to myself? Why do I yell at myself for making mistakes? Why don't I hug myself and seek comfort?

Well, I'm going to start. Even with all the fear, I know, know, know that God is giving me this opportunity to grow and find myself and learn.

It's just up to me to walk through the fear.

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