Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb

The knot in the pit of my stomach grows.
And grows.
And grows.

The tears flood my eyes and again, I push them back.

I am falling back into fear.
Fear that you don't feel the same way.
Fear that I'll be along again.
Fear that I'm going to fail.

I want you so bad, I can taste it, feel it, see it.
It seems to be just outside my grasp, but as I move toward it, it moves away.

I have to bite my lips till I bleed to keep my self from screaming
"I love you"

Am I supposed to? Is it real?
Do I care?

I want to yell from the rooftops, to write our initials with little hearts on every tree and piece of paper and in the snow.

But I'm scared. So I keep this secret deep inside.
Hoping that you say it first.

And when,
if,
you do,
I will too.

Cruel professor, studying romances

They said:
"Go against the grain"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"Try something different"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"You deserve it"
I said:
"No"

When I walked in, and saw you, I wanted to turn around, pretend I had never been there.
But my feet moved of their own accord, brought me to the table. My knees bent, sat me in the chair opposite you.
"Hi."
You smiled.
I was hooked.

My heart told me to run. My feet stayed firmly in place.
Perhaps it was out of fear, maybe curiosity.
We talked. I laughed. You smiled. I melted.

At the end of the night, you walked me to my car.
I looked in your eyes and you slid your hands through my hair, pulled my face close to yours.
Again, my heart said no, pulled back. But my lips met yours.
Breathless.
You pulled away. A smile curled the sides of your mouth as I stood opposite, staring blankly back at you, wanting to run away, wanting to run to you.

I'm going against the grain.

You're different.

I deserve it.

In case you never see the stars.

Last night, we lost.
And I cried. I cried because I was sad, because I was disappointed.
But I kept crying because I was happy. Not that we had lost, but because I was letting myself cry, because I was able to feel.
One year of frustration, stress, and learning and loving and growing, was over.
But losing doesn't much matter, in the scheme of things.
The people surrounding me had become my family and my best friends. They inspired me and pushed me and annoyed me. They told me the truth when I didn't want to hear it, they held me when I was too weak to stand, and now they wiped my tears as I cried. And cried with me.
And I looked at the clock. 10:30 pm.
Even the crush of losing couldn't outweigh what was coming next.
No matter what happens on November 28th, November 29th will trump all.
At 10:30, I cried tears of sadness and disappointment.
At 12:01, I cried tears of joy and gratitude.

Appreciate the fireflies, baby, just in case you never see the stars...