You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret.

If last week was weird, this week was hard. I think that the stress of everything going on at work, plus being in the final stretch of school was starting to take it's toll on me. Add some drama with friends and the whole week kind of went to hell in a handbag.

I guess saying the whole week is a *bit* of an exaggeration. The weather has been pretty nice this week-sun shining, even if it's a little cold- and I got to play tennis on both of my off days. I'm excited for this summer-I'm trying to play twice a week as long as it's nice out! I also got to talk to a few friends that I don't see to often and that definitely lifted my spirits as well :-)

On Tuesday, I found out some stuff about a few friends of mine that really put me in a foul mood. I was angry, frusterated, disappointed, hurt-basically all sorts of not so nice feelings. Luckily, a good friend of mine after I got off that phone call and we talked for a bit, which made my night tons better. Seriously, it was like everything just spilled over. I had a nice cry, prayed about it and went to bed, and luckily, woke up feeling much better the next morning.

I figured everything would be fine but I ended up seeing my friends on Friday night, and did the obligatory "hi and bye" because, honestly, I didn't have much to say to them at that point. I was still angry and hurt and instead of saying something mean, I just walked away. Here's the thing about me-I try to be a "head shaking-finger wagging-chest puffed out" tough girl, but I'm not really. I hate confrontation and would much rather hide and avoid it, than say anything.

But this is how I know God was working in my life. My friend ended up calling later that night and asked me what was going on. Instead of saying "I'm fine, it's all good!" and harboring a resentment for a long while, I was honest with her. I told her my feelings were hurt, I was worried about her and the way she was acting-it seems kind of small, but it's really out of character for me to be honest about how I'm feeling, especially if it's in a situation where me being hurt and being honest about might hurt another persons feelings (sorry if that doesn't make any sense haha) We ended up saying we'd sleep on it and talk about it the next day-and I figured we were all good at that point.

Unfortunately, I ended up getting a text message from her that was supposed to go to someone else that was *about* me. Needless to say, I was not happy. After some texting back and forth, nothing really got accomplished (because we were both kind of heated) so I ended the conversation and went to bed.

But that was just another example of God working. This person has been a negative influence in my life pretty much since we started hanging out. Sure, she's fun, but it's a "Mean Girls" kind of fun- judgmental, gossiping, being negative. I kind of enjoyed living vicariously through her, but it was really taking a toll on me. I'm an optimist and being with someone who's a pessimist all the time is draining! God was trying to show me that I probably needed to cut this person out, but I just wasn't listening. So finally, he hit me over the head, and put a situation in front of me that was too big to ignore. And now, even thought I don't think I'm going to completely cut her out of my life, I've realized I definitely need to scale back the amount of time we spend together.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but for me, I was just really grateful to be able have some peace with the situation because I really felt God in those moments. It makes a hard and uncomfortable situation so much easier to bear!

Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be.

Even though, on paper, my life looks only moderately busy, this week I've literally felt like I've been on hyper-speed. I've kind of wanted to pull my hair out everyday this week. I'm not even sure why. I suppose going to school part time, working full time, still trying to maintain a social life and fit some "me" time in, is more exhausting than it seems.

Maybe that's why I spent most of the week at my parents. Ha! I was supposed to house sit for a friend at work, but she got sick and ended up canceling her trip. I had told my roommate I'd be out of the house for most of the week, and she had invited her boyfriend and his puppy to stay for the week. SO between that, and my stress, staying at my parents was a much needed break.

Another source of stress, might be my seemingly endless car issues. On Tuesday, I met with my friend Ian for coffee. When I pulled into the parking structure, I noticed my brakes felt pretty mushy (i.e. my foot went all the way to the floor). I didn't think too much of it, but when I got back in the car after coffee, they still felt the same and when I was pulling out of the structure, the brake light on my dash came on.

I ended up taking it over the shop, driving super carefully (read: slow) the entire way. They called the next morning to let me know that the brake fluid hose was cracked so I needed to replace those. Ugh.

I took the day off of work because I wasn't feeling to well to begin with. So I basically sat around and waited for my car to be done. I got a call around noon and Leto came and picked me up to get my car. I bought him some ColdStone ice cream as a thank you (and had a little bit myself hehe)

Since Thursday and Friday are my regular days off, I ended up having a "three day weekend" of sorts. On Thursday my mom and I ran some errands and ended up at Value World (2 pairs of jeans for $3 each!) and Savlation Army. I rarely buy anything but jeans from thrift stores, but they had brand new, in the box little Crock Pots! I think they are like 2 qts.-perfect size for someone who's by themself. Plus, it was only $7.50! :-) I'm so excited to use mine!

The next day involved a lot of catching up on the DVR, watching the snow collect (back up to 8inches, ya'll!) and very little of anything else. But I did get to see this on Glee:

I was seriously so happy when I heard they were doing this-and I love it!

Me=Nerd.

Today, I've been in kind of a funk :-( I'm back to work and after having three days off, I feel kind of out of the loop and things just haven't been going well today. I'm trying super hard to work on my temper and gossiping (not just today, but everyday) but today is *really* testing me. I'm really trying, but somedays, it's just really hard. Luckily, I only have one more hour and then it's home to restful night and hey, tomorrow's a new day, right?

Could you read my fortune in the bottom of this coffee cup, tell me how to tell when I've had enough?

A lot can happen in a day, let alone a year.

My mom used to tell me that all the time, when I'd be worried about god-knows-what and planning for the certain doom that I was convinced would be happening.

But now, I think I'm finally coming to fully understand what exactly she meant.

A month ago, I was in a (what I thought was) great relationship with a man I was in love with, I had my own place with a girl who I was pretty good friends with, and my family was stable-for the first time in a very long time, I had everything I could have wanted. I was indescribably happy.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and absolutely broke my heart. My dad lost his job. My grandmother was hospitalized. And on top of all that, my health took a turn for the worst and I lost my hearing in one ear.

But I tried to have faith, and walk through all the fear. I through myself into work. I saw my friends pretty much every night. I reminded myself constantly that this was all temporary, and that God had a plan for everything, I just had to wait it out and He'll show me, when I'm ready.

But it's so freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes, I'm completely content and serene. But sometimes...I'm lonely, I'm anxious, I'm fearful.

And now, due to circumstances out of my control (kind of), I'm leaving my apartment and probably, unfortunately, losing my friend. All day I've been going back and forth between being pissed and being really upset.

I'm trying to see this as a fresh start-Thank god my parents live close and I can move back with them for a little while, get everything back on track. I just can't help but feeling like God put this amazing life in front of me and, whoops!, all of a sudden, pulled the rug out from under me. And the rational side of me knows that He gave me an amazing life, regardless of all of those things and it will only continue to get better and He will only continue to bless me if I continue on His path. I know these things, I believe them with all of my being and I have faith and I trust that what is waiting for me on the other side will be so much more amazing than anything I could imagine for myself. And I know that if I was that happy before, that when His plan comes together, it will be mind blowing.

But I don't want to wait. I want to be happy now. I want to be in love now. I want my dad to have a job and my grandma to be better and to have my own place and my health to be back on track now. I don't want to wait. It's this lovely little inner struggle-I think I'm ready for all these things, but really on He knows when I am and when He decides I am, he'll put all those blessings back in my life. He knows whats best for me-I don't. I've proven that left to my own devices, things don't usually end well-for me or anyone involved.

"We have to stop playing God. It didn't work" I've read that over and over and over again but I still like to toy with the idea that I'm in charge. I guess I just like to beat my head against the wall a few times before I realize it hurts.

And I've been beating myself up over all of this, as if every single problem is directly my fault...which is insane! I mean, I'm upset at myself...for being upset! What kind of sense does that make? I heard it described perfectly tonight- If your child fell down and hurt himself, would you scream at him? Belittle him? Make fun of him or yell? No, you would pick him up, hold him and comfort him. So why don't I do that to myself? Why do I yell at myself for making mistakes? Why don't I hug myself and seek comfort?

Well, I'm going to start. Even with all the fear, I know, know, know that God is giving me this opportunity to grow and find myself and learn.

It's just up to me to walk through the fear.

Her hair was raven and her heart was like a tomb

The knot in the pit of my stomach grows.
And grows.
And grows.

The tears flood my eyes and again, I push them back.

I am falling back into fear.
Fear that you don't feel the same way.
Fear that I'll be along again.
Fear that I'm going to fail.

I want you so bad, I can taste it, feel it, see it.
It seems to be just outside my grasp, but as I move toward it, it moves away.

I have to bite my lips till I bleed to keep my self from screaming
"I love you"

Am I supposed to? Is it real?
Do I care?

I want to yell from the rooftops, to write our initials with little hearts on every tree and piece of paper and in the snow.

But I'm scared. So I keep this secret deep inside.
Hoping that you say it first.

And when,
if,
you do,
I will too.

Cruel professor, studying romances

They said:
"Go against the grain"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"Try something different"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"You deserve it"
I said:
"No"

When I walked in, and saw you, I wanted to turn around, pretend I had never been there.
But my feet moved of their own accord, brought me to the table. My knees bent, sat me in the chair opposite you.
"Hi."
You smiled.
I was hooked.

My heart told me to run. My feet stayed firmly in place.
Perhaps it was out of fear, maybe curiosity.
We talked. I laughed. You smiled. I melted.

At the end of the night, you walked me to my car.
I looked in your eyes and you slid your hands through my hair, pulled my face close to yours.
Again, my heart said no, pulled back. But my lips met yours.
Breathless.
You pulled away. A smile curled the sides of your mouth as I stood opposite, staring blankly back at you, wanting to run away, wanting to run to you.

I'm going against the grain.

You're different.

I deserve it.

In case you never see the stars.

Last night, we lost.
And I cried. I cried because I was sad, because I was disappointed.
But I kept crying because I was happy. Not that we had lost, but because I was letting myself cry, because I was able to feel.
One year of frustration, stress, and learning and loving and growing, was over.
But losing doesn't much matter, in the scheme of things.
The people surrounding me had become my family and my best friends. They inspired me and pushed me and annoyed me. They told me the truth when I didn't want to hear it, they held me when I was too weak to stand, and now they wiped my tears as I cried. And cried with me.
And I looked at the clock. 10:30 pm.
Even the crush of losing couldn't outweigh what was coming next.
No matter what happens on November 28th, November 29th will trump all.
At 10:30, I cried tears of sadness and disappointment.
At 12:01, I cried tears of joy and gratitude.

Appreciate the fireflies, baby, just in case you never see the stars...