I'm scared shitless of what's coming next.

I've seen this on a few blogs a few times and it always looked like fun, so I thought I'd give it a try...

If you were coming over to my house for coffee, I'd tell you about....

All of the changes going on at work and the giant ball of anxiety it has turned me into. Multiple people have reminded me that the outcome of these changes will more than likely benefit me, but that doesn't ease my fears completely.

That even though all the change has me in knots, I've gotten some ego boosts along the way and my adrenaline is kicking into a high gear, which is making me super productive. I guess there is an upside.

About all the big plans I have for this summer. I cannot wait for the nice weather, and cool nights, and pretty dresses, and grilling dinner. And baseball-lots and lots of baseball.

How happy that boy is making me. Honestly, he's just so kind to me and funny and cute and sweet and....I could go on but I'll stop. Just know that it's good-he's making the work drama bearable.

That despite all the uncertainty at work, my life is really, really good. I can't think of one thing I would change. What a blessing.

If you came over for coffee,
what would you tell me?

Only little cozy things secure inside their dreamland…

It's Christmas time and the mall is filled with people. I'm staring up at the blinking lights of the sparkling Christmas tree. It is probably close to 25 ft tall, but because of my much smaller stature, it seems mountainous, I can barely see the top. At it's base, it is surrounded at its base by piles of fake snow and presents, each in color coordinating wrapping paper and bows. The rich golds and metallic reds and forest greens reflect the twinkling lights from above-it is looks like a dream, a picturesque Christmas fantasy.

I am pulled from my reverie by my mother gently tugging at my hand, urging me to follow her into the department store. I am in elementary school and my brother is just barely a toddler, following behind us a few steps, causing us to wait every few seconds before he catches up. He continues to get lost in the crowd, my mother pulling him arm to speed up his pace as we begin to browse through the racks of dresses and shoes. My brother and I entertain each other-playing in the racks, darting in between the harried customers picking up last minute gifts.

Eventually, my mother realizes we must go to the second floor of the store. We navigate through the throngs of people, cutting in between them as they wait to check out with their purchases, until we come to the elevator.

It is packed with people, between the bags and the people themselves, the three of us are barely able to fit. But we manage to squeeze in and take the quick ride up one floor. As the doors open, the force of the people getting off behind us pushes us into the hallway. My mom begins walking towards the home wares, with me falling into line behind her.

I turn around to make sure my brother has done the same, and as I do, I notice the doors to the elevator closing. He is in the far corner of the elevator, distracted by the lights on the ceiling and the Christmas music being pumped through the speakers. I go to grab him, but the door shuts-dividing us.

Frantically, I push the button on the side of the elevator, over and over again, willing it to come back. The few minutes it takes to make a round trip feel like hours, every second spent agonizing, hoping he is in the same place when the doors open again.

Finally, I hear the "ding" of the elevator making it's stop and as the doors open, I scan the crowd.

He's not.

Suddenly, I'm awake. My breathing is hurried and shallow. No longer in the idyllic Christmas store, but safely in my own bed. I can hear my parents watching television on the other side of the house, as my brother snores softly in his room next to mine.

When we leave later that day to do some shopping, my brothers hand remains firmly held in mine. I'm not taking any chances.

This post is in response to a prompt at The Lightning and the Lightning Bug-Flicker of Inspiration Prompt #22: The Living Nightmare

So I'm gonna keep on living the way I live, doing the things that make me smile. Cause I never want to forget, these days.

Oh, my gosh. This week has just been ridiculous. Mostly good stuff, but, phew! Am I glad to be done with this week!

I said on Twitter that my life wouldn't feel nearly as busy if I didn't scehdule things around the Tigers and the Lions and it's so true! But with playoff baseball and the Lions hosting Monday Night Football, those were just events not to be missed! Unfortunately, the Tigers season ended last night, but it was fun while it lasted-I'm already excited for next season!

But at least we still have the Lions....(there's a sentence I never thought I'd say!)

Tuesday my mom and I took a cooking class at work. This was the third I've taken and the second with my mom. The class was all about gluten free baking and we both learned a ton of stuff! We got to take home lots of yummy things too!

(clockwise)
brownies, foccacia, white bread, banana muffins

Wednesday was a day that I was dreading, to be completely honest. I had a lawsuit brought against me and Wednesday was out mediation. Luckily, we were able to settle, which means it's over and we don't have to appear in front of the judge. I really feel like God had a huge hand in that because we both were able to come to an agreement, and I was pretty convinced that was going to be impossible. I'm just so thankful for my friends and family for all their support-I really would have been a wreck without them! And for all of the wonderful people in blog land who have sent me prayers and good vibes-I couldn't have done it without each and everyone. Seriously, the support just brought me to tears. So blessed.

After that was done, I was able to spend some time decompressing with a friend before heading to babysit. Another thing I'm so thankful for is the kids my temple has brought into my life when I was teaching. Having them remember me when they see me and give me the biggest hugs is one of the best feelings in the world. Plus, getting to babysit a few of them and spend time with them is just such a joy in my life. Totally helps me put things in perspective!

I was trying to get tickets to see the Tigers on Thursday, but everyone had to work so I ended up working an entire 8 hour day on my day off-love when that happens, right? haha

Friday, I actually got to enjoy my day off-got my brows waxes, bought some new nail polish and...went on a date! It was the first one in entirely too long, and we ended up having a pretty good time. I'm not sure if he's my "type" but it was nice to be able to just enjoy the company of someone of the male variety for a few hours!

This coming week is going to be pretty busy as well, but luckily it's all fun things this time! Like I said, I'm just glad to be done with all the crazy-ness!

Let it shine down on us all Let it warm us from within

A few years ago, my mom and I were sitting down to Yom Kippur services when she turned to me and said with one of the most intense looks shes ever given me"

"I don't know what you have to do, but whatever it is, you need to get right with God and with yourself."

I nodded, I knew she was right. The strong connection I had had to my Judaism and God was all but gone. I was lost but had no idea what to do.

I sat in services and recited the prayers from memory but when it came time to pray from my heart, nothing came out. I was empty. I wanted so badly to feel some sort of connection, but I felt nothing. I walked away knowing I had no one to blame but myself.

I had no idea that a few weeks later, my life would completely change and my connection with God would become a focus of my life.

I've been think a lot about that day recently and the sharp contrast it has from where I am today.

I've struggled this year, especially this summer. But lately, I can feel is Gods love and grace surrounding me. I know its always there, even especially in the struggles, but sometimes it is so palpable I can't help but acknowledge it.

I attended Rosh Hashanah services with my parents last week and I was brought to tears more than once during the services. The service we attended had our temples youth choir leading the congregation in song. Listening to their sweet voice sing songs of praise and believing every word of that prayer was so, so amazing. I knew in that instance that god was with me, right then, and what an amazing feeling that is!

A few weeks ago I was able to listen to a friend share his testimony. I've known him for a few years and it was so great to be able to listen and hear how God has worked in his life. After he was done, I went to thank him and to give him a hug he pulled me close and said "oh Amanda! I just love you so much!" And it was like I could feel not only the love from him, but everyone one the room and god all rushing to me. Granted he had just shared an amazing story, but I was smiling from ear to ear when I left.

And now it's Yom Kippur again. I can't help but be thankful that I have experienced all these instances of God's love so close together. I'm by no means perfect and I find myself focusing on my imperfections. But this year, I feel lore strongly than I have in a while that God loves me no matter what. Even though I always knew this was true, being able to feel it and have a renewed sense of faith has been so helpful in my process of atoning this year.

I just feel so extremely blessed.

I'm not sure if this made any sense, or if anyone even got to the end of this. But if you did, thank you. This week is going to be rough but I'm so thankful I have been able to feel God so acutely in my life and I really, deep down, in the depths of my soul, know that no matter what happens, I'll be ok.

Amazing.

When my faith is strong I know my strength

Source: thevintageapple.com via Amanda on Pinterest

Where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever, that you've been gone.

I feel like I just imagined you in my bed. Your hands running through my hair as I laughed nervously. I'm trying to convince myself to be content, to be thankful you were there at all.

But I'm greedy. It's been too long and I want you back.

There was always an excuse- the timing, the place, this girl, that boy. But we always came back to each other. The excuses are gone- now its just me and you and years of waiting.

Are you scared? I know I am, so I don't blame you. Just come back. Come back and we'll talk. Because I'm not scared when I'm with you.

Was I dreaming when you pulled me close? When I reached out to touch you, like I've wanted for so long, was it even real?

I've wanted this for so long. We both have.

There's nothing in our way.

So what's stopping us?

I can't die now 'cause I got another show to do.

After doing my prep Sunday night, I was able to sleep pretty well until it was time to get up and get ready. My appointment was at 9:30 and we wanted to be there early.

After checking in they gave us this thing which beeps when they are ready for me, and then beeps again when I am in recovery so I can be picked up. But all I could think about was the things they give you at a restaurant so you know when your table is ready.

Am I wrong?

After our table was ready the nurses were ready, I got taken back and my vitals were taken, my IV was inserted and all that good stuff. I had to wait for the doctor to be ready but eventually, they wheeled me into the operating room.

Can I just state for the record how much I *hate* hospitals? I know you're like, "Well, duh! Who likes 'em?" But, really. I hate them. They are full-on-anxiety-attack-inducing to me.

I tried to occupy myself and talk to the nurse, but I started getting really anxious and the amount of sedative they were using wasn't quite working. I started crying, which the nurse said was a common side effect (I don't know if that's true or if she was just trying to make me feel better), which only raised my heart rate. I told them I was light headed and they gave me some anti-nausea medication right in my IV, while also doubling the sedative.

That did the trick apparently, because I don't remember anything of the procedure itself and very little afterward. I vaguely remember being in recovery but I could barely open my eyes. According to my mom, I was offering the nurse product suggestions for products from the bakery I work at (I told my boss my job has infiltrated my sub-conscious haha)

I made it home and went straight to bed. I woke up for about 5 minutes a few hours later, but was back in bed soon there after. Around 5:30, I woke up for good and was *finally* able to eat for the first time in almost 36 hours, which was amazing!

According to the sheet they gave me, everything looked good but they took 5-6 samples to biopsy anyway. I should have results in about two weeks and need to follow up with my doctor.

I still feel a little groggy and out of it today (case in point-I was teaching a class at work today, which I totally forgot about until my boss called my 15 minutes before it was supposed to start, and I was trying to say "shot" but said "shat" instead. Oops.), but I'm glad to have it over with. Hopefully my doctor can see me as soon as the results are in, along with the results from a few other tests I've taken, and we can go from there.

Thanks for all the prayers-it really means a lot to me.

You've got to trust your instinct, and let go of regret.

If last week was weird, this week was hard. I think that the stress of everything going on at work, plus being in the final stretch of school was starting to take it's toll on me. Add some drama with friends and the whole week kind of went to hell in a handbag.

I guess saying the whole week is a *bit* of an exaggeration. The weather has been pretty nice this week-sun shining, even if it's a little cold- and I got to play tennis on both of my off days. I'm excited for this summer-I'm trying to play twice a week as long as it's nice out! I also got to talk to a few friends that I don't see to often and that definitely lifted my spirits as well :-)

On Tuesday, I found out some stuff about a few friends of mine that really put me in a foul mood. I was angry, frusterated, disappointed, hurt-basically all sorts of not so nice feelings. Luckily, a good friend of mine after I got off that phone call and we talked for a bit, which made my night tons better. Seriously, it was like everything just spilled over. I had a nice cry, prayed about it and went to bed, and luckily, woke up feeling much better the next morning.

I figured everything would be fine but I ended up seeing my friends on Friday night, and did the obligatory "hi and bye" because, honestly, I didn't have much to say to them at that point. I was still angry and hurt and instead of saying something mean, I just walked away. Here's the thing about me-I try to be a "head shaking-finger wagging-chest puffed out" tough girl, but I'm not really. I hate confrontation and would much rather hide and avoid it, than say anything.

But this is how I know God was working in my life. My friend ended up calling later that night and asked me what was going on. Instead of saying "I'm fine, it's all good!" and harboring a resentment for a long while, I was honest with her. I told her my feelings were hurt, I was worried about her and the way she was acting-it seems kind of small, but it's really out of character for me to be honest about how I'm feeling, especially if it's in a situation where me being hurt and being honest about might hurt another persons feelings (sorry if that doesn't make any sense haha) We ended up saying we'd sleep on it and talk about it the next day-and I figured we were all good at that point.

Unfortunately, I ended up getting a text message from her that was supposed to go to someone else that was *about* me. Needless to say, I was not happy. After some texting back and forth, nothing really got accomplished (because we were both kind of heated) so I ended the conversation and went to bed.

But that was just another example of God working. This person has been a negative influence in my life pretty much since we started hanging out. Sure, she's fun, but it's a "Mean Girls" kind of fun- judgmental, gossiping, being negative. I kind of enjoyed living vicariously through her, but it was really taking a toll on me. I'm an optimist and being with someone who's a pessimist all the time is draining! God was trying to show me that I probably needed to cut this person out, but I just wasn't listening. So finally, he hit me over the head, and put a situation in front of me that was too big to ignore. And now, even thought I don't think I'm going to completely cut her out of my life, I've realized I definitely need to scale back the amount of time we spend together.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but for me, I was just really grateful to be able have some peace with the situation because I really felt God in those moments. It makes a hard and uncomfortable situation so much easier to bear!

Could you read my fortune in the bottom of this coffee cup, tell me how to tell when I've had enough?

A lot can happen in a day, let alone a year.

My mom used to tell me that all the time, when I'd be worried about god-knows-what and planning for the certain doom that I was convinced would be happening.

But now, I think I'm finally coming to fully understand what exactly she meant.

A month ago, I was in a (what I thought was) great relationship with a man I was in love with, I had my own place with a girl who I was pretty good friends with, and my family was stable-for the first time in a very long time, I had everything I could have wanted. I was indescribably happy.

Three weeks ago, my boyfriend broke up with me and absolutely broke my heart. My dad lost his job. My grandmother was hospitalized. And on top of all that, my health took a turn for the worst and I lost my hearing in one ear.

But I tried to have faith, and walk through all the fear. I through myself into work. I saw my friends pretty much every night. I reminded myself constantly that this was all temporary, and that God had a plan for everything, I just had to wait it out and He'll show me, when I'm ready.

But it's so freaking hard sometimes. Sometimes, I'm completely content and serene. But sometimes...I'm lonely, I'm anxious, I'm fearful.

And now, due to circumstances out of my control (kind of), I'm leaving my apartment and probably, unfortunately, losing my friend. All day I've been going back and forth between being pissed and being really upset.

I'm trying to see this as a fresh start-Thank god my parents live close and I can move back with them for a little while, get everything back on track. I just can't help but feeling like God put this amazing life in front of me and, whoops!, all of a sudden, pulled the rug out from under me. And the rational side of me knows that He gave me an amazing life, regardless of all of those things and it will only continue to get better and He will only continue to bless me if I continue on His path. I know these things, I believe them with all of my being and I have faith and I trust that what is waiting for me on the other side will be so much more amazing than anything I could imagine for myself. And I know that if I was that happy before, that when His plan comes together, it will be mind blowing.

But I don't want to wait. I want to be happy now. I want to be in love now. I want my dad to have a job and my grandma to be better and to have my own place and my health to be back on track now. I don't want to wait. It's this lovely little inner struggle-I think I'm ready for all these things, but really on He knows when I am and when He decides I am, he'll put all those blessings back in my life. He knows whats best for me-I don't. I've proven that left to my own devices, things don't usually end well-for me or anyone involved.

"We have to stop playing God. It didn't work" I've read that over and over and over again but I still like to toy with the idea that I'm in charge. I guess I just like to beat my head against the wall a few times before I realize it hurts.

And I've been beating myself up over all of this, as if every single problem is directly my fault...which is insane! I mean, I'm upset at myself...for being upset! What kind of sense does that make? I heard it described perfectly tonight- If your child fell down and hurt himself, would you scream at him? Belittle him? Make fun of him or yell? No, you would pick him up, hold him and comfort him. So why don't I do that to myself? Why do I yell at myself for making mistakes? Why don't I hug myself and seek comfort?

Well, I'm going to start. Even with all the fear, I know, know, know that God is giving me this opportunity to grow and find myself and learn.

It's just up to me to walk through the fear.

Cruel professor, studying romances

They said:
"Go against the grain"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"Try something different"
I said:
"No"

They said:
"You deserve it"
I said:
"No"

When I walked in, and saw you, I wanted to turn around, pretend I had never been there.
But my feet moved of their own accord, brought me to the table. My knees bent, sat me in the chair opposite you.
"Hi."
You smiled.
I was hooked.

My heart told me to run. My feet stayed firmly in place.
Perhaps it was out of fear, maybe curiosity.
We talked. I laughed. You smiled. I melted.

At the end of the night, you walked me to my car.
I looked in your eyes and you slid your hands through my hair, pulled my face close to yours.
Again, my heart said no, pulled back. But my lips met yours.
Breathless.
You pulled away. A smile curled the sides of your mouth as I stood opposite, staring blankly back at you, wanting to run away, wanting to run to you.

I'm going against the grain.

You're different.

I deserve it.