This is dedicated to all my little brothers, little homies, yo check it out

Reason #4743548643 I love my brother: When I say something silly, he doesn't insult me. He just ignores me.

Me: I know I'm like super late, but I think I finally get Twitter.
Sam:*confused*There's nothing to "get"...
Me: I know...but before, I didn't get it, and now...I do...
Sam: *Shakes head*.....

Unfortunately, this is how a lot of conversations go haha

Ain't no colour paint gonna cover the stains.

My new apartment has basically been a construction zone for the past week and a half while I've been painting. What I thought would be a one day/8ish hour project ended up taking me over a week to complete.

It started with me spackling the holes....

It seriously looked like whoever was there before me just sprayed the room with a pellet gun.

then I was able to start priming...


and even though my mom warned me that I'd probably have to do two coats of primer to completely cover the old, dark, dry paneling, I decided to try it with just one...


but since I was able to paint one.whole.wall. before realizing admitting to myself that I needed a second coat of primer, I was also able to decide that I wasn't in love with the color. I wanted a more mustard-y yellow and this was, as my mom put it, "school bus yellow".

So I put another coat of primer on the other three walls and chose another shade of yellow for the accent wall.

The splotch is the new color, in comparison to the old.

The last step was to paint the other three walls.


It kinda looks blue, but it's actually a *really* light grey (It's Valspar Grey Mist). I wanted it to be darker, but the room is so small I knew I needed to use light colors to make the room seem bigger. The yellow is Valspar Bugle Call, in case you were curious.

Since I still want some darker grey, I'm going to paint a 6-12" stripe around the room on the grey walls, about two feet from the ceiling. I'm hoping that will bring out the grey tones in the light grey and satisfy my need for dark grey haha

All in all, I'm pretty happy with it. And I'm super proud that I did it all by myself! Every roll of the roller and stroke of the brush was done by yours truly. What I was not expecting however, was how dang sore I would be after it was all done!

Manual labor is hard work, ya'll.

When I'm six feet underground, I'll need a drink or two. And I'll sure miss you.

I was drowning in booze and parties, trying to hold it together enough to be presentable, yet drink enough to forget everything on a daily basis.

It was a delicate balance that, no matter how hard or often I tried, I was far from mastering.

He was sick. I knew it, I knew it was a matter of time, but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge it. I was ashamed of what I was doing, but I couldn't stop. So I drank to gloss over the guilt.

"I got some pills. If you take me to pick them up, I'll share with you. We just gotta stop by my mom's and get some money first, then we'll go." His offer was tempting, but I was hesitant.

"I'll take you to get them. I...I'm not sure I want to try them, though. We'll see." Even though I was hesitant, my curiosity lingered.

We stopped to get the money. He went inside, coming out ten minutes later.

"I told my mom your grandpa was sick, so I wanted to treat you to dinner. She gave me an extra ten bucks!" He grinned ear to ear, so proud of his manipulation.

My stomach churned. I laughed and we were on our way.

Again, I waited in the car. He got in the car and we were three blocks away before he pulled out the baggie, twisted into a small tube, concealing two brightly colored pills.

"This one's an downer, I think," he mused, examining the lime green pill. "And this one...this one's perfect for you!" He pulled out the pink pill and placed it in my hand. There were a pair of Chanel C's stamped on one side. I laughed and gave it back to him.

"We'll see." I was still unsure.

We began the drive home, and by now it was dark. I had class in the morning, but I was past the point of caring about going. I had a bottle waiting for me at home.

The music was loud, the car was full of people and as we drove home, we laughed and sang. I was speeding down the highway, anxious to get home.

Then my phone rang. It was my dad. It was also 10:45pm.

Nothing good can come from a phone call at 10:45pm.

"Where are you?"

"At the store," I lied, hushing the people in the car and turning down the music.

"I need to tell you something."

I knew before he said anything, what was coming next.

"Papa died."

The tears came quickly and fiercely. I couldn't stop them.

"Are you ok? Where are you? I'll come pick you up." I could hear him getting his keys.

"No, no. It's ok. I'll be ok. I'm just going to go home."

"Ok...call me tomorrow. Be safe."

"I will." I hung up the phone.

Someone reached and put their hand on my shoulder.

"He died."

Everyone mumbled their I'm sorry's not quite sure of what to say.

I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"You got those pills?"

He nodded in the passenger seat next to me.

"Let's go get high."

This post is in response to The Dare to Share prompt at the Lightning and the Lightning-Bug. The theme was "Loss".

So now I'm standing here alone. I'm learning how to live life on my own.

Sweat dripping, I take a deep breath. I look around in amazement. I am wonderfully, blissfully alone. Smile from ear to ear, I finally relax

This post is in response to a prompt at Write on Edge.
"This week’s assignment was simple: write a story of your choice. The catch? Write it as a tweet. Use only 140 characters – including spaces."

(P.S. I typed this into Twitter to make sure I abided by the character limit, and this is 140 on the dot. But can I just say that the last sentence not having a period is killing me!?!?! haha)

Today I don't feel like doing anything, I just wanna lay in my bed.

There's a lot I could have done yesterday.

I had bills to pay, calls to make, stuff for school to get in order.

But instead...

I caught up on my fave guidos adventures in Italia,

painted my nails,

and ate Chipotle with my brother.

And it was totally worth it.

P.S. I let my brother pick nail polish for me to use, since I was being indecisive and this is what he came up with:

Not too bad, eh?

He called them "Super Villain" nails haha

I can't die now 'cause I got another show to do.

After doing my prep Sunday night, I was able to sleep pretty well until it was time to get up and get ready. My appointment was at 9:30 and we wanted to be there early.

After checking in they gave us this thing which beeps when they are ready for me, and then beeps again when I am in recovery so I can be picked up. But all I could think about was the things they give you at a restaurant so you know when your table is ready.

Am I wrong?

After our table was ready the nurses were ready, I got taken back and my vitals were taken, my IV was inserted and all that good stuff. I had to wait for the doctor to be ready but eventually, they wheeled me into the operating room.

Can I just state for the record how much I *hate* hospitals? I know you're like, "Well, duh! Who likes 'em?" But, really. I hate them. They are full-on-anxiety-attack-inducing to me.

I tried to occupy myself and talk to the nurse, but I started getting really anxious and the amount of sedative they were using wasn't quite working. I started crying, which the nurse said was a common side effect (I don't know if that's true or if she was just trying to make me feel better), which only raised my heart rate. I told them I was light headed and they gave me some anti-nausea medication right in my IV, while also doubling the sedative.

That did the trick apparently, because I don't remember anything of the procedure itself and very little afterward. I vaguely remember being in recovery but I could barely open my eyes. According to my mom, I was offering the nurse product suggestions for products from the bakery I work at (I told my boss my job has infiltrated my sub-conscious haha)

I made it home and went straight to bed. I woke up for about 5 minutes a few hours later, but was back in bed soon there after. Around 5:30, I woke up for good and was *finally* able to eat for the first time in almost 36 hours, which was amazing!

According to the sheet they gave me, everything looked good but they took 5-6 samples to biopsy anyway. I should have results in about two weeks and need to follow up with my doctor.

I still feel a little groggy and out of it today (case in point-I was teaching a class at work today, which I totally forgot about until my boss called my 15 minutes before it was supposed to start, and I was trying to say "shot" but said "shat" instead. Oops.), but I'm glad to have it over with. Hopefully my doctor can see me as soon as the results are in, along with the results from a few other tests I've taken, and we can go from there.

Thanks for all the prayers-it really means a lot to me.

'Cause she knows that it's demanding to defeat those evil machines. I know she can beat them.

It's almost 11 o'clock. At noon, I have to stop eating solid foods. I should be eating, since I won't be able to for about 24 hours, but I've been staring at this bagel for almost 3 hours.


I'm too nervous to eat. Story of my life as of late, apparently.

In a little over one hour, I will begin my fast. In a little over three, I will start drinking lots of liquids. I have to prepare for my test tomorrow. The test I only found out about on Thursday. That I've had less than a week to wrap my mind around.

I suppose that's good. Get in, get it done, don't have to worry about it anymore. I've been joking about it since I found out.

"Between all the sweating and this test, I bet I'll lose ten pounds this week!"

I know I'm not alone in this, but I joke when I'm scared, I laugh when I'm nervous, when I'm uncomfortable. Then I turn into an obnoxious child.

"Look at me! Pay attention to me! Look what I can do!"

Baby me, comfort me, protect me.

I'm scared. For multiple reasons.

I've never "gone under". I haven't been under the influence of anything in almost four years, what if I hate it? What if I like it? What if the medicine makes me sick?

Those questions on their own make me cry.

But there's more. I'm scared that I'm not feeling as good as I was after I stopped eating gluten. I'm feeling better than when I was eating it, but I'm not feeling as good as immediately after. The instant effects have worn off, and I'm not feeling as great.

But mostly I'm scared that the doctor ordered this without knowing my family history. I didn't tell her that my grandmother died from colon cancer. I didn't tell her that when my mom had the same test six months ago, they removed a tumor.

"It would be really rare for you to have colon cancer at 23, but not impossible."

She came up with that all on her own.

I was talking with a friend last night and of course, the conversation turned to faith.

I have no problem with that turn. I am trying to strengthen my faith and I know, deep down in my soul, with every fiber of my being, that faith is following his plan and turning to him, no matter the circumstance.

But, I'm realizing, part of having faith is allowing myself to be scared. Because if I'm not scared, I don't feel like I can fully rely on him. If I felt fine, like nothing could go wrong, that I was invincible, I would have no need for God.

I always say that the worst part of having faith is knowing that one day, I won't feel like this. One day, this will be better, this situation will be resolved. But I can't fast forward through this, I have to feel it and experience it. I can't speed up my life to the part where I feel better, even though I know, I have faith, that day will come.

Shower me with your love.

Happy Wednesday everyone! It's time to link up with Jaime at this kind of love for What I'm Loving Wednesday!

Since I'm still on a high from moving into my new apartment, I'm going to do some things I'm loving about being on my own!

I'm loving decorating! My friend is coming over to help me paint this week, and I'm so excited!

This is one of my inspiration pictures. Grey + yellow = love.

I'm loving being able to wake up early/go to bed early and not waking anyone up, or being woken up myself!

I'm loving being able to work out/do yoga, without worrying about anyone finding me in awkward positions haha

Awkward.

I'm loving being able to sit in silence if I want! So peaceful!

I'm loving enternally grateful for my friends and family who helped me move, paint and get the new place ready, my co-workers who kept me grounded, made me laugh and supported me when I was stressed out and my god who put this opportunity in my life and in my heart! I'm so blessed!

You may fool me, and I'll fall. But I won’t stay down long, cause I’m country strong.

Sometimes my girly-ness surprises me. Growing up I was a tom-boy and even now that I'm older and have embraced my love for shoes, and nail polish, and fashion, I still surprise myself.

Like on Friday night, when I had the over-whelming urge to watch Country Strong...

which I really liked but was a big ball of tears by the end

and eat ice cream, chocolate preferably.

How cute are these little containers?

And yes, I went to the store to buy something for dinner and left with a chick flick and ice cream.

Yet, I'm surprised when I figure out I'm PMS-ing. Doh!

It was summerrtime in northern Michigan.

I know most people won't share this sentiment but...

I love my job.

A lot of people I know are constantly griping and complaining about this coworker or that boss, and while I have those days every once in a while, for the most part, I love pretty much everything about my job.

The office itself is relaxed and fun, my customers are 99.9% of the time easy to work with and my co-workers are some of the funniest, nicest people I know.

Case in point-my awesome boss. Who has season tickets to the Lions. And who likes to give me them when he can't go.

This past Friday, was the Lions first preseason game and since my boss had something to do that night, he gave them to me. Seriously, awesome.

Please ignore my awkward face lol

Before the game, I decided to do a Lions-inspired manicure (duh!), which involved using Ulta Blue Streak the perfect shade of Honolulu Blue and silver shatter that my friend got me because she knew I was having a rough week (how sweet, right?)


That afternoon, I picked up my friend and headed into the city. Kid Rock was playing that same night so we took our time and strolled through the crowds while doing some people watching. Since Kid Rock is from Romeo, MichiganDetroit, it's always a spectacle whenever he comes to town. This year he decided to throw a two-day block party in the parking lot of Comerica Park, where he was performing. I wanted to ride some rides, but we didn't have enough time. Hopefully when he comes back to town next summer, I'll be able to see him perform!


We made our way to Ford Field and found our seats. For being a preseason game and especially for being the Lions, there were a lot of people there. There's a lot of buzz surrounding this season, which is really exciting, considering I really don't remember the Lions ever having a winning tradition.
And from what I saw, there's plenty of reason to be excited. Satfford looked good in the three series he played, as did Calvin Johnson and Jason Tulloch. The real pride of the Lions right now is the defensive line and they did not disappoint. Ndamukong Suh made a few tackles and one sack, which was called for "unnecessary roughness" to which coach Schwartz replied "Well, when you are strong as him, it's just going to happen. He just can't help himself!" I don't know what I find that so funny, but it cracks me up lol


They ended up winning the game 34-3, and it got me really excited for the rest of the season.

When we left, the Kid Rock concert was still going on so we stopped and watched him play one of my faves (All Summer Long-such a great summer song) through the gates and when we were leaving he was playing Bawitaba, which is hands down my favorite Kid Rock song.

I may have even let out a little scream haha

I was a skeptic at first, but these miracles work.

About a year ago, I took a class at work that was focused on "Personal Visioning". We were asked to write a few pages about where we wanted to be in one year, 3 years, 5 years.

One of my main goals was to be living in my own apartment within the year.

It's not exactly new...

and it's not very big.

But, it's all
mine.

The past two weeks have been a few of the most stressful weeks I can remember in the recent past, but when I laid in bed on Friday night, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.

I have a lot of work to do, putting things away, building things, making things, painting, but for now I'm just basking in the glow of being completely on my own.

And I really could not be any more at peace about it.

It’s the simple things that strum my strings.

It's Thursday again so it's time to link up with Jesslyn Amber for The Simple Things!

*Friends and family who help me move without asking for anything in return*
*Coworkers who make me laugh when I'm feeling stressed*
*Compliments from my customers*

*My wonderful boss who spoils me*

*Finally breathing a sigh of relief*
*Being in my own apartment!*
*Hanging out with the boy I've had a crush on for years*

What simple things are you enjoying today?

Lord, I'm sorry to question your wisdom, but my faith has been wavering. Won't you show me a sign, let me know that you're listening?

I'm going to be honest right now, I'm stressed. Like "I want to pull my hair out, can't eat, am on the verge of tears and if you look at me wrong, I just might punch you in the face" stressed.

I'm still pretty excited about moving, but if I'm being 100% real right now, I'm nervous too. I'm nervous to be on my own, I'm nervous about the bills, I'm nervous about what it will look like. Even though I'm excited for all the same things, it's still a pretty big change that will obvioiusly take some adjusting. Even the actual act of packing and moving is stressful right now, and I know that when I'm finally in my new place, it will all be worth it, but for right now, I'm a little nervous.

On top of that my current roommate is not making this easy, so I'm uncomfortable even being in my current place long enough to pack. I think I'm just gonna grab a Coke (or five) and power through it tonight and hopefully get most of it done and bring it over to my parents to stay there until I actually move. I'm calling my new land lord tomorrow to see if there is any way I can move this week instead of next, and my wonderful friend and parents and brother have all volunteered their services to help me move. I am so so so lucky blessed to have such amazing people in my life who love me enough to help me.

Even though all of that is stressful on it's own, there's more, because one stressful situation is never enough, right!?!?! I went to the doctor on Friday, fully expecting to have my blood drawn and for the end result to be a gluten intolerance/celiac diagnosis. Which could still be on it's way, but there's some other issues that my doctor is worried about which will involve me getting some more tests and an outpatient procedure in the next week or two. I don't know if I've just got too much going on besides that to be worried (and I am worried), but I just feel like I should be more worried. Either way, some crossed fingers and prayers would definitely be appreciated right now.

Which brings me to my last point, I've been struggling with feeling disconnected from God. I know he's still there and I still go through the motions of praying because I know this is only a blip in our relationship, but it's frustrating. Usually, I'm all about the gratitude and loving and feeling God's presence in my life (which I have another post about soon) but right now, I'm just feeling kind of blah.

The funny thing is I have enough faith to know that on the other side of this valley, my relationship will be strong and my faith will be more than renewed. But I don't want to have to go through it, I just want it now! Has anyone else ever felt like that? haha

I know it's all just temporary and I'm sure I'll feel infinitely better when the moving process is done, but right now, it's just kinda hard. And I feel like such a whiner writing about this or even thinking about it because in all reality, my life is amazing-more amazing than I could ever have thought, and I'm so incredibly blessed. But I guess "sometimes it's not all puppy dogs and rainbows", as a friend of mine told me.

I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes, right?

It's the simple things in life we forget

I'm linking up with Jessalyn Amber for The Simple Things!



I just love this link up-it's soooo much fun!

-Old *and* new friends-
-afternoon ball games-
-at home mani/pedis-
-cuddling up to the new season of Project Runway-
-feeling God's presence in my life-

What simple things are you enjoying today?

Love, for better or worse, I still will choose you first.

I'm linking up with Jaime at this kind of love for another What I'm Loving Wednesday!


I'm loving JV and my Tigers. Seriously, the game he threw on Sunday was so intense. And my Tigers looked good. I know Guillen posed running out of the box, but heading down the stretch I want my boys to have some swagger.

I'm loving making plans with friends! I just bought tickets to a concert in the beginning of September and I'm trying to get tickets to see the Lions first preseason game.

I'm loving my phone! I got the Droid Incredible 2 last week and it's the best! Do any of ya'll have Droids? Any good app suggestions?

I'm loving the rain-I'd rather it not be raining, but at least it breaks up the ridiculous heat wave we've been having! Us Michiganders aren't used to this!

I'm loving that I only have two weeks till I move! I have soooo much work to do but I'm so exicted!

What are you loving today?

Party girl from Pensacola, frequent flier and your bag weighs a ton, paint your smile with a red crayola.

Jessalyn Amber is hosting a fun link up called The Name Game!

Basically, you just have to answer the questions:

What does your blog name mean?
or
Why did you choose the name you have?

Or just be like me and answer both! haha

My blog is title is actually a lyric from a favorite band of mine.

If you ponder your scene then it’s over
See the beauty being where you are
Appreciate the fireflies baby just in case
You never see the stars

I saw them in concert before I had ever really heard of them, and this song just stuck with me after the show. I just couldn't get it out of my head and it sort of became my mantra.

For me, its really a reminder to be thankful for what I have today, and not worry about what may be coming in the future. I don't do as good of a job of that as I would like, but by having at as my blog title, it's a pretty daily reminder to be focused on the moment and not to take anything for granted.

So that's me!

Amanda

Appreciating the Fireflies